“Feelings deep down”

I feel so low right now. I’ve never even felt this low before. Never in my life have I thought that I’d reach the time wherein I’m no longer sure where I stand, be it in another person’s life or goals I’ve once set for myself. I never even once thought that I could lead a life whose direction I’m no longer sure; be it left or right. Or is it somewhere in between? Hell, I couldn’t even decipher whether I’m really moving or just plain standing. No sense of direction, no feeling of euphoria that one gets for moving with a purpose.

            These past few months have been a rollercoaster ride, full of varying emotions of anxiety and depression, of joy and excitement, and most of it, are feelings of sadness and pain. Could it be that I’m just making my life look life a story out of a novel wherein the heroine sees a shift in her life from a monotonous beginning, a dramatic middle and yet, an ending of success for surviving? But how bitter it might seem, no book could ever be a comparison of reality even if that book is a memoir of what has been.

            I was a firm believer that the past is a place where you learn when you look back into it. That is why I believed that it shouldn’t be something that one should wish to be changed but by how things go right now, I’ve felt that urge to wish—ardently wish—that I could turn back time. I want to change so many things. Things whose responsibility lies in the fact that I’m feeling so damn low right now.

            I wonder, would I eventually reach the time wherein I’d do anything—even everything—so that I could change the mistakes that have irrevocably caused this predicament that I’m in right now?

            I don’t want to be like those people whose direction is already a blur; whose goals have been shattered. Those people who swayed away from the line they used to follow. Or is it too late and I’m already one of those away from that line?

            I’ve been holding too much unto the tip of every edge that there could ever be, hoping and hoping that I could stand up again, no threat of falling but a secure feeling of being there. Yet, it’s so tiring to just hold on to something when your grasp is not even enough to make your feet touch the ground.

            My mind never had any chance to think peacefully at night. It keeps worrying and worrying, thinking and doubting.

            I never even thought the time would come that smiling could be such an effort on my part. I even amaze myself to the extent of how I could still make other people laugh from the foolishness I show. Hell, I’m even surprised that I could still make myself look like a fool and look like an overly happy person when deep down, a lot of nagging thoughts have been kept. Thoughts that are too much I think I’d go crazy. They’re not even close to happy.

            I just want all of these nagging thoughts to end. Can’t it end sooner?

            I feel it piling up.

 

“Trust”

Trust. It’s one of the words I value the most. It might seem like it, but I was never the type of person who’d trust a person so easily. People could be cunning and manipulative at times and what you say and do could be used against you. Your best friend today could be the reason for your downfall in the future and so on and so forth.

            It’s because of this that I put too much weight in taking good care of the trust that’s been given to me, whether it be in the form of secrets or behavior and I’ve always prided myself for that. Yet, lately, all I could think of was, “Why am I neglecting the trust that’s been given to me?”

            Whose trust and on what context, I dare not say, for the sole purpose of the word “personal”. I feel so bad for being like this. I never thought I could be like this and to do it to them. It’s just too much. I can’t say I don’t have a choice and I was cornered because I decided on something that eventually led to this. In the end, it’s my fault, no more no less. How could I be this careless?

 

“The true meaning of friendship”

            It’s when you finally learn his or her essence and being and even when you find it unsuitable to your liking, you still consider what both of you have been through and use that to fix what has been destroyed.

            I feel uneasy seeing people fight fights that eventually lead to the ending of an ideal friendship, one where both parties found happiness and a home. Yet, people seem to find it easy to not consider any of that. It’s as if all those memories you’ve shared together and the things that you’ve invested unto each other just dissolved in an instant. Looking at those things, I felt…afraid. Afraid at the prospect that I might be in that very boat someday; when, I can’t tell. Hopefully, I’d never reach that point. But lately, I felt that it’s very possible and might happen anytime now. I don’t want that to happen.

            I’ve always made it a point to take friendship seriously. Yet, I never really had a real best friend, one with whom you share everything and I guess that’s right, because when you share everything, you just leave yourself too vulnerable to hurt and disappointment. It would really hurt, especially when everyday, you feel that person getting farther and farther from you, maybe because your ideals in life had changed and no longer suitable with each other. You see that person find other people, unconsciously leaving you behind and the worse part, you can’t do anything that much because, you don’t have the right to stop that person from being happy. If being happy means leaving, what choice is there for you? I don’t want to have someone by my side if that someone is not happy to be there alongside me.

ANYWAY!

I have this two friends who used to be best friends then became enemies and I really felt bad for them when that happened because they were really close before, almost like real brothers. Just last week, they made up! Awww. It made me feel really better, as if a load was being taken away from my back. A lot of us have been wishing for them to be friends again because it's really a pity if such a good friendship would go to waste, right? Hopefully, it would go smoothly from now on. Anyway, friendships really have their own trials and they had their fair share and they were able to conquer that. Wee! Happy new year to them, lol!

Now there's only one left to mend. I hope it's soon!

Hanggang sa muli, mga kaibigan!

Lately, all that I've been thinking are my studies. It's been eating me since day 1. I never knew I'd reach the point wherein I want to really give up school. Yes, that's how hard I find my subjects right now. It didn't help that I've heard a lot of stories from upperclassmen, telling me how hard my subjects were and that a lot of students failed at it too. In the end, they weren't able to graduate on time.

Yes, not graduating on time seems to be pretty normal here in UP, but still, I want to be one of those who were able to still be on time.

And yet, from what I'm seeing and feeling right now, that's pretty a far fetched idea already. Every exam result I get, the heavier my feeling gets. I'm worried that I might fail a subject this semester, which is something I never want to happen. Who wants that anyway, right?

But the thing is, there are some things that are bound to be beyond my reach. Am I on my limitations? I don't think so. The worst part is that I felt that I'm not giving it my all yet and by how things are going, giving my all seems to be pretty useless already and as much as I want to, I'm losing my will to give it my best shot.

People have been telling me that if ever I failed a subject, that's alright. There reason? I'm in UP. It's normal that the subjects would be hard and even the brightest people here fail at some point (To think that they exceled in their respective high schools before they passed UP).

Yet, is that enough reason to think that it's okay to fail? No, right?

Damnnn. Shit, damn. Seriously, I really think that I'm never going to get out of this hole that I'm in right now. I just want this semester to end already! And I want it to end with no failure in any subject. I never imagined it would be this hard to study here. I've been thinking, what if I never passed the entrance exam here and just went to some other university? Would I still feel as depressed as I am right now? Would I still fail my exams or would I excel in them?

Would I be much more worry-free by then?


Hanggang sa muli, mga kaibigan!

WORDS...

...aren't even enough to explain the extent of how I feel about myself right now.

I feel SO low.
I feel SO humiliated.
I feel so damn degraded right now.

But the hard thing here is that I can't blame it on anybody else for that matter because I brought it to myself.
I was the one responsible for what has happened.

It's just that, I can't even find any single hope anymore. What is there to hope for from what I've seen?
I can't turn back time. I can't change what was done.

No matter how HARD I wish to go back and change everything, it's just not possible.

*&^@%$ #!@!!!

How ironic, I used to think that mistakes should remain as mistakes and are things that shouldn't be wished to be changed, because they make life the way it is. It's one of the things that define a person, the who's and the what's. It's how people learn.

But then again, things are better said than done.

Right now? I'm taking back what I used to say.

Now?

I just wish that I could turn back time and change things.




Hanggang sa muli, mga kaibigan.